As part of LGBTQ+ Adoption and Fostering Week, we spoke to parents, Jeff and Simon, who adopted with ARC Adoption in 2023. Here they share their experience of adoption, including meeting their (then 5 year old) little boy for the first time and knowing he was meant for them, as well as him joining them at their wedding!

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Hi Jeff and Simon, could you give us a brief introduction to your family?

Hi, we are Jeff and Simon and have been together for 14 years and married for 2 years. We adopted our son K, in 2023.

When did you know you were ready to adopt? Is it something you considered for a while? 

We had been discussing having children for a while, maybe 3-4 years before we initially approached ARC. We had attended a local council adoption meeting back in 2020 (prior to the first lockdown). We both agreed after the meeting that we thought it was overwhelming, but with hindsight the level of information we received wasn’t anywhere near the level ARC provided at their initial meeting. 

We are very glad you found us! How did you find going through the initial stages of the adoption process?

ARC had been recommended by two sets of friends (same-sex couples) who had adopted their little ones through them, and we found ARC extremely friendly and supportive. This came through from the initial inquiry stage with Joan and continued through with the training and meetings with Sylvia, our social worker, as well as Lorraine and the rest of the ARC team. 

How did you find the family finding process, and how did you meet K?

We think like most couples, we initially wanted to experience the whole journey of being parents from as early in a child’s life as possible, so our original age range we were approved for was from 0-4 years old. However, after attending a profile day (a type of family finding event) we saw K’s profile – who was 5 at the time, and we made initial enquiries about him. 

Strangely, without knowing K would be there, we attended an activity day (an event where children are also there playing) a couple of months later. We spent the whole event either with K or talking to his social worker. We knew after meeting him that he was the only child for us, and we couldn't stop thinking about him. Within two weeks we had increased our age range to cover K’s age and to allow us to ‘show interest’ in him from a potential adopter’s perspective.

Can you tell us a little bit about the transition and introductions to K moving and joining your home and family? It’s not your usual scenario!

Due to K’s story and the fact he was 5 when we first met him at the activity day, our transition was a little longer and different to other adopters within our group. 

To put it into perspective, we first met K in May 2022, did a chemistry meeting in October 2022 and did weekend ‘play days' in January and February 2023.  We then had to have a four week introduction period at the end of February 2023. This involved renting a cottage near K’s foster family and living there for three weeks undertaking a hectic schedule of routines to gradually transition his care to us e.g. doing wake up and breakfast routine, lunchtime routine, bath and bed routine (and repeat), followed by the final week in our home. The final week also included our Wedding Day which we’d been trying to sort out in parallel to the introductions.

The move day…so we got married on the Friday and K moved in on the Monday! And, yes…he did attend the wedding too 😀. He said it was our honeymoon. Lol.

So, a busy time was an understatement! How special that K could join your Big Day! How has family life been since?

Simon: Initially it was a little daunting, especially after the safety net of the foster carers wasn’t there. You have this little, now 6 year old boy, depending upon you; old enough to understand what has happened to him i.e he’s been adopted and now has two dads, and in a new strange house that he knows he should be calling home. And the first month or two, we are all still getting to know one another and kind of all still on 'best behaviour’ if that makes sense?

Roll on two years though…we know each other inside out. The eyes K gives when he’s annoyed, the hand on the lap when he wants comfort and a cuddle, the way he likes the sugar on his Weetabix after the milk (when Simon puts it on before). The family days out, or PJ days watching a film while making lego…life is bliss.

Jeff:  I'd say at first, it’s a bit of an emotional rollercoaster as your world quickly changes overnight and you're trying to remember all of your training and how to handle different situations. We felt like we had to be a perfect version of ourselves, before realising that no-one is perfect, and we were allowed to make mistakes as new parents and learn from them.

Eventually everything just seems to fit into place like a jigsaw. Obviously things are different now, but the best kind of different and we wouldn't change it for the world. K is our world and we love our little family with me, Simon, K and the furballs, and life is beautiful.

What has been the most challenging thing(s) you’ve experienced?

Simon: The first couple of weeks, the dynamic of mine and Jeff’s relationship changed for a short period of time. Having just got married two days before K joined us, we didn’t really allow ourselves time to enjoy the 'us time.' In hindsight this wasn’t good. We made it work but it was difficult emotionally and psychologically. Advice: do not get married while doing the adoption process 🤣.

Jeff: You have this initial connection at first, and then your child moves in and a lot of the tips and coping strategies go out of the window. Your normal way of life and routine changes and you’re thinking – "wow, what on earth has happened, how do I act as a parent, am I doing a good job, do I even know what I'm doing, what day is it, have I brushed my hair today, am I still me?" Both me and Simon got each other through this by talking openly and above all, lots of love and patience.

What has been the best thing(s) about becoming parents to K?

Simon: The cuddles, no words can describe the feeling when K gives me a big hug for no reason, or he tilts his head against my arm while watching TV. The joy I get when he succeeds or tells me something he has found out or learnt about. The pride I feel when I pick him up from school and he tells me what he’s been doing and the ‘playground gossip.’  

Jeff: I don't think you can ever truly put into words how it feels to have the child you have been wanting for so long. The happiness and joy watching him grow and develop, each week changing a little more. Losing his first tooth, dancing in the kitchen together with the music filling the house. The love and pride you feel when he repeats something you have told him, and his personality melding with yours and your partners. 

The best feeling is when we have our deeper conversations, and talk about K's life story, and his beginning and where he is now. I won't sugarcoat it, and say it's not heart wrenching at times, but knowing we are there to support him, in any way he needs and making him feel secure, loved and belonging, truly makes our hearts burst with love. You're never prepared for hearing your child call you dad and daddy for the first time or tell you they love you.

K has this cute thing he does when we are all holding hands with him in the middle. He says, “first there were you two, then I came along and spoiled all your fun.” Then we all hug and laugh. Obviously, he didn't spoil the fun, he enriched it, and he is the biggest part of our lives now, and always will be.

Have you needed to use any of the support services provided by ARC so far? 

Jeff: We have reached out to our social worker (Sylvia) informally at times for advice or information and she has always been amazing.

Simon: I reached out to ARC just after we were placed with K. It wasn’t to do with K specifically, just the feelings I was having and trying to understand them and make sense of them. I’d say if anyone was unsure at any stage of the process or even after placement - please reach out to your social worker. They are there to help and support you, and that’s certainly been our experience with ARC.

What would you say to anyone considering adoption to grow their family?

Be honest with yourself from the start, have the difficult conversations with your partner about what you're wanting (as you may not agree on everything in what you're looking for in a child). As cruel as it sounds, be realistic on what you think you can cope with, from an advanced needs perspective or thinking about the background a child is coming from. This is especially important when your social worker asks you to complete the ‘tick sheet’ that helps with matching. Don’t say yes to things that you think will make you look good in the eyes of the social worker or others. Make the selection on things that you and your partner want.

You also need to be aware that each child, especially older children come with their own history and trauma from their experiences. This might make them struggle at times such as Christmas, holidays, and birthdays when all you want to do is create happy memories and shower your child with love and gifts. In your own head you're thinking wow, this is going to be amazing and happy, when in reality the holiday with the packing of the bags and being away from the safety of home life, might cause your child to relive memories of being taken into foster care or negative feelings.

If you are interested in adopting, we would definitely recommend ARC as an inclusive adoption agency to support you. At no point throughout the whole process did we feel the minority or felt we were treated differently to others on the training, or from a child searching perspective.

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Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us Simon and Jeff!

If you are considering growing your family through adoption and would benefit from a conversation with our team, please just complete our enquiry form and we'll be in touch. You are also welcome to join us at an upcoming information event – click  here to see our upcoming dates and to register.